I came out of the closet one year ago today

I came out of the closet one year ago today

Hey look I’m still alive… I have a multitude of excuses for not writing, they’re all terrible. Let’s move on to what I’ve been up to shall we 😀

It was one year ago today that I told the woman I love who I really am. It’s been an interesting year. Lady, the woman I love, took it well at first. She was very supportive and taught me a great deal about the day to day of womanhood. Things eventually got kind of rocky, then very rocky. Then she left, moving far away back to her family. 

A few months later we started to rekindle things. She came to visit me, I went to visit her. In late November she needed to come to town and I convinced her to stay with me. Then I convinced her to come early, then to stay through the holidays. Things went well until they didn’t, the short version is I am a jerk and she left again. I had been looking forward to spending today with her… At least she was around long enough to go with me to my works christmas party, which was a lot of fun. Despite our troubles she really is my favorite person to share an adventure with.  

On to some good news my name change certificate came in the mail, I am officially June 😀 Now begins the process of getting the rest of my ID changed over. From what I’ve read this can be tedious. The certificate itself took longer than I was originally led to believe so I’m not holding my breath on the next steps. Still it feels good, it’s strange how one piece of paper can mean so much. 

On a social front I seem to be fully accepted as female in all corners. At work I’ve been allowed to introduce myself as June. They let me do this even before my certificate came in the mail. At first the policy was that I had to introduce myself based on the name in the system, which had to match my ID, for reasons that really do make sense given where I work. Then there was apparently some shuffling of our leadership and word came down that I could begin using my proper name.

And what a difference a name makes. When I first began my transition, talking to my boss about everything, I had said I didn’t mind using my given name for a while. That changed over the following months, and got to the point where I actively disliked having to say it. I was getting better at sounding feminine, and a lot of times when people didn’t hear my name they would gender me correctly, there were even a few times where they asked me to repeat my name and still gendered me correctly. There were of course times where I was gendered female until my name came up, then they would change. Now that I can introduce myself properly my stress levels have been much, much lower 🙂

I’m still waiting to see the psychologist, “the” psychologist, as in there’s only one in my city who can diagnose gender dysphoria apparently. When I started looking into all of this in mid to late February I was told the wait was 8-10 months. When I checked in October to see where I was at on the list I was told it would be… another 8-10 months. Good times. I do feel the process of self reflection is worthwhile. As much as some would like to dive head first into their transition and do everything right this very second… wait who am I kidding I’m totally one of those people… anyway I do think it has been helpful getting to know myself. 

I am a woman who really doesn’t want to be a trans woman. I would much prefer to be the kind of woman who simply is. A woman for whom there are no questions, or self doubt. No one with mean spirited signs telling me no boys allowed, oblivious or callous to the layers of hurt such statements evoke. I want to scream at them that I tried really hard to be a man. I got very good at it, but every day was a lie. Every word, every action, every picture… 

I see myself in old photos and it still feels like looking at a distant relative. Someone I know a great deal about but never met personally. Someone I don’t fully understand, whom I resent for reasons I can’t articulate. I get why some trans folk destroy all of their old pictures and ask people not to bring up reminders of the past. Personally I don’t want to erase the past, even if it hurts. The hurt is what makes me who I am. 

Wow that got depressing. Ok on to something happy… My church has been a (literal, as I see it) Godsend. Tonight I volunteered for one of the Christmas eve services, and there was a potluck for the volunteers beforehand. It was wonderful simply being accepted and appreciated. There are some really great people there. It’s one of the few places where my self awareness subsides and I can enjoy the moment without fear of being judged. Well ok there’s still some fear but much less than normal. 

Oh and shout out to my friend Matron, who despite the many complications in her life still has time to hang out with me. She and I are now doing a regular podcast with a friend of ours… Ok it’s actually our friends podcast and he lets us tag along. It’s called ‘Everything is the worst’ and its available on iTunes and on our friends website, scudsworth.com Yes I was instructed to share on social media. I feel no shame for this.