One of the questions that comes up a lot is whether I’m more comfortable now than I was before. The answer I have to give is that it’s more like my comfort has shifted, in that there are times and places where I feel much more awkward than I ever did, but there are also scenarios where I feel totally at peace.
This weekend I attended a writers conference in Calgary called When Words Collide, and I had an absolutely fantastic time. Everyone was friendly and open minded, and I was comfortable with myself the entire time. I wore some of my favorite clothes, including a new outfit that one of my coworkers helped me pick out. I didn’t wear my wig and I clearly read as trans, and I was treated exactly like any other normal girl, in fact for once I genuinely felt like a normal girl.
I had some great conversations with people I’d just met. This is unusual for me, yes I know how to hold a conversation without coming off as a strange person (that is to say I’m good at lying) but I’ve never really felt invested in such conversations. Being closeted meant every relationship sat on a precipice. Whatever a person thought of me their opinion could polarize with a single revelation. Since coming out reactions have been better than I could have hoped, and even when I’m nervous it feels like I’m on solid ground.
It’s hard to verbalize how I’ve always felt about myself, I kept trying to feel like a boy but the idea never fit. I guess I have always felt like an abnormal girl, a girl who was not allowed to be a girl. At last the doors have been opened, I am invited to the party. Literally it seems, I’ve been invited to an upcoming girls night with a number of long time friends. In previous posts I’ve written about not having that many close female friends, this seems to be changing 🙂