Out and about

Today marks 60 days of HRT 😀 and so far… still not much has changed. Or maybe it has, but nothing overt anyway. My chest is more or less the same shape as it was when I started, though I’m on a fairly low dose, I see my doctor next week and anticipate they will prescribe an increase. After that I have an appointment for an electrolysis consultation 😀  

I am living as myself full time these days, when I go out it’s always with makeup and usually a wig. The only time I wear boy clothes is if I’ve left laundry too long, which is happening less and less as my wardrobe expands. Also, potential trigger warning till the end of this paragraph, some may find the following to be inappropriate. I am always tucked. Before transition I had assumed it was something one did when wearing skirts etc to avoid a bulge, and sure. But honestly I find it’s a much nicer place to keep them. 

In the privacy of my own home this is all well and good. I am having to re-adjust to interacting with the world at large. It’s been almost entirely positive, or at least neutral, but nonetheless terrifying. I catch odd looks, and I can’t help but wonder what people think when they see me. I’ve been attending church when my work rotation allows it and that has been a really positive space for me. They also do a monthly group meeting that I have found quite helpful. 

I recently attended my first family gathering in full fem, most of the local kin were in attendance and everyone was incredibly supportive. I am well aware of just how fortunate I am. I had seriously contemplated presenting male or skipping all together, I’m glad I made the decision to go as myself, and recognize that for many people that simply wouldn’t have been an option. To any family that might be reading this you are all incredible, thank you so much.

My work recently rented out the main floor of a local pub for a culture event, and over a hundred and fifty people from my office were present. This wasn’t like the day of training where it was a small class of people I’d worked with for years, but dozen’s of people, many of whom didn’t know I have come out at trans. It was a bit intense but again everyone was super friendly.

Last night I went to see a drag show with my friend Matron and the two of us had an absolute blast. As wonderful as all of this has been these are places with people I know or at least trust, with social safety nets that ensure there will be no serious problems. The most nerve-wracking scenarios have been out in the wilds of the general public.

I am growing ever more comfortable shopping by myself these days. I pick up groceries on a regular basis without incident, and I can even go shopping for women’s clothing without almost having a nervous breakdown. The scariest moment so far was this morning, Matron and I went for breakfast in a crowded restaurant.  

The food was great and the server was very sweet, still I couldn’t help but focus on all of the ways I’ve seen things go poorly for trans individuals in similar circumstances. I live in perpetual dread of the day someone decides to physically assault me. I know this is an irrational fear as Calgary is actually a fairly liberal city, but fear is not something easily conquered by reason. I suck it up and push forward, because really there’s nowhere else to go. And when I step out the door, it feels really good to do so as myself.