Rock falling onto a tranquill pond

I keep telling myself I should write something, if only to get the thoughts out and allow my mind to breath a little. These past few weeks I really haven’t had the mental energy for much. It’s hard to talk about because it involves family, and there are members of my family who read this blog, or at least know of it. Basically things were said with the best of intentions from a place of deep love and concern, things which left  me absolutely floored. Even now I haven’t fully picked myself up. 

My parents are pretty great, but as with every family there were some rocky periods when I was growing up. During those times I still had an unconditional supporter and ally. I spent my life hiding who I was but I always felt if anyone saw through to the real me it was this beloved family member. I was devastated to hear them suggest I may simply be delusional, and frankly I’m being polite here. There opinion on trans people came accross with the subtlety of church bells. This was the person who taught me pretty much everything I know about gender and tolerance. 

The question that’s been racing around and around in my head for the last few weeks, and in fact my whole life, is am I really a woman. It was the inability to answer this question that kept me in the closet. I’m familiar with all of the conjecture on the subject, for and against, it’s been part of my internal monolog for as long as I can remember. I’ve always felt like I was supposed to be female, but the reality is somethig I was never able to come to terms with. When I came out I was starting to, and over the last few months my self acceptance has grown. 

I suppose that self acceptance needed to be tested at some point. I have a tendency to micro analyze. From a lot of perspectives transgenderism is a perfectly valid and rational condition. A lot of perspectives, but not all, and there are several rational arguments to be made against. Of course gender dysphoria isn’t something that comes from a rational place, in fact it’s more of a starting point, the nucleus of consciousness. But what proof is there?

One thing that’s really helped is a local LGBTQIA(etc..) affirming church. I’ve been to three events so far and it means a lot to interact with people who’ve shared a similar conflict and come through stronger because of it. Tonight at this church I listened to a number of monologes from queer and allied folk about thier personal journeys, how they found the strength to show themselves to the world. This was my proof. Am I really a woman, to be hontest I’m a long way from being able to say that with confidence. But I’ve gotten to the point that I know I am trans, and that’s something to be proud of.

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