So last night I took my very first estrogen pill 😀 I feel… pretty much the same. I don’t know what I was expecting really, I’ll update my progress in this blog. My life has been pretty busy of late. I came out to the bulk of my guy friends very recently at a batchelor party. The batchelor is a good budy with a lot of the same friends as me. There’s a fairly large group of us that have known each other for decades (I paused as I wrote that to do the mental arithmetic and yes decades plural is appropriate in many cases.) I had come out to a few of my friends weeks before but this was the first occasion with just about all of them.
Guys I’d gone to elementry school with, guys I met in junior high and highschool. I was in boy clothes with no makup, but full jewelry including recenlty pierced ears and glossy blue nails. It was a good night, the next morning, when asked what I drank my immediate response was a lot. There were a few questions but no one was negative and most people expressed strong support. It was a surreal experience to be sure.
I’m fascinated by anything to do with studies on the brain. It’s naturally a subject that catches my attention and I learned a few interesting things this week. Apparently emotions play an absolutely crucial role in our decision making process, specifically emotions are what establish our goals. This theory certainly seems to fit my personal obervations of human behavior. Anyone who has worked customer service can probably relate to this. I have on many occasions spent the better part of an hour attempting to passify a customer over a trivial sum of money. It’s also a behavior I’ve observed in several phobic politicians and pundits.
In contemplating this I came to wonder about the nature of the gender binary, the question of what’s social and what’s biogical. I think of course the flaw with that quesiton is the presumption of only two factors, you could just as easily ask about the influence of temperature or season, diet, bacterial culture etc… The point is human behavour is influenced by countless factors. But among those factors there are definitely instincts. Biological perogatives that exist at the most basic level our psyche , so deep that we don’t even realize they’re there.
I’ve come to believe that gender is among them. I have come to believe it exists as one of the fundamental kernals in our decision making process. Self awareness means making decisions, making decicions requires goals, objectives. Humans are a complex social animal with multiple roles to fill, there exists a biological need for our brains to diversify. The strongest systems are the most adaptable, and in light of that the concept of a gender spectrum makes a lot of sense to me.
Ok enough rambling. No I lied I’m going to keep going. I’ve come to suspect that transphobia is driven by instinct, and this might be the same instinct that drives some of us to transition. People seem to get very uncomfortable around gender non conforming individuals. From what I’ve seen it actually takes a bit of discipline to get over this. The sense of unease they feel when they see someone acting outside their role could well be the same thing I feel when I look in the mirror.