Exhaustion

So I got back into town on Thursday, and my life since then has been unpleasant. I’ve also been asked not to write about it. Needless to say I am conflicted. Imagine you love someone, they are a bright and wonderful person, caring, selfless, adventurous and totally open minded. You spend a year fostering a strong relationship, doing everything you can to prove to this person that you are worthy of their love. Then you reveal your deepest secret, the thing you have been running from since earliest childhood, and suddenly the love of your life doesn’t even recognize you.

Lady is not happy with me, the relationship is officially over. But it’s not because I am transgender (clearly). She will tell you I am a liar, and a cheater. She will tell you I have hurt her, that I am an awful, and frankly evil human being. I can’t help but take these comments to heart. She is a wonderful person, I mean that sincerely, and she has a number of very valid reasons to be upset with me. No I have never cheated (honestly the start of transition is not the time for added drama) and I have admitted to every lie I’ve told (all in some way involving my gender identity, and no that doesn’t make it ok). The fact is I’ve hurt her a lot, the pain she is feeling is a direct result of my decisions and actions.

What do you do when everything is your fault and nothing you can say will make it better? I don’t blame her, her belief is rational and her behaviour is justified in that context. I would be mad at me too if I had done the things I’ve been accused of.  I guess what hurts is that she doesn’t see me, I am a monster in her eyes. I dedicated my life to a lie, but it was one lie and in all other ways I have been compensating, striving to be the best possible person I can be so that if and when the truth was discovered I might find some measure of understanding.

The truth is out and all my efforts have been in vain. The good I have done has evaporated, all that remains is the evil, real and imagined. On one hand I can appreciate where she’s coming from, I have openly admitted to being a master manipulator. On the other hand the things I’ve been accused of are pretty amateur hour, if I’d wanted to deceive her these aren’t mistakes I would have made (granted that everyone is capable of oversight). For example rule one when lying is to convince people you’re bad at it. I told her I was a skilled liar specifically to move away from that lifestyle, of course now she doesn’t believe a word I say.

She says I have lied about her in this blog, that I have made her out to be a horrible person. She is not, and if I have led anyone reading to believe so I am deeply sorry. I accept full responsibility for everything that’s happened. She is the best person I have ever known.

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2 thoughts on “Exhaustion

  1. I wish I could say I have not drawn any conclusions about Lady based on your writings. However ex’s tend to be a very emotional place for me. Especially my second ex-wife, who also went around telling friends of my proclivities. She too went around telling others I had cheated when I had not. Scorched earth tactics; you might hurt her by coming clean, but she will make you regret it and hurt twice as much.

    As much as it might hurt; it seems she is no longer emotionally invested in you. It appears either you are prolonging the inevitable because of your feelings and sentiment for what was; or else she is prolonging it in order to further hurt you.

    I’ve personally seen no sign in your postings which would in my opinion give me a glimmer of hope that your relationship can be patched up. Her continued presence only seems to bring you agony. Often times, transitioning really is a starting over; and in her case, I fear that can be no truer.

    If a clean break is possible, I would recommend it, unfortunately. She had her chance to be there for you, to try and understand, to simply support you. It would be harsh of me to say she failed you, but she has not fully risen to the occasion. That being said, in my opinion, you no longer have any obligations to her, emotionally or otherwise. If she seems a monster, I’d venture to say that perhaps it’s been the monstrosity of her acts and words which were monstrous. Seeing those acts spelled out in black and white can be startling. Perhaps the truth of the written word was more than she was prepared to see.

    There are supportive, understanding, positive people out there. Unfortunately, she is not one of them. My heart goes out to you for having to find that out.

    Ever & Always,
    Caden Lane

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  2. I am Lady. I am not a writer.

    A promise made by a loved one then broken is amoung the worst possible kind of lies.  Denying ones true self to oneself is equally as horrible. In my lifetime, I’ve done both of these things and had them both done to me. 

    I am Lady. I am not perfect. 

    I know that in the time that we were happily together you not once shared intimate physical interaction with anyone other than me. That’s not something you would do.  

    I am Lady. If you ask me,  I will tell you that I think you are an incredible person.

    Everyone needs a little support from time to time.  When I’ve reached out to family members and close friends (only to two family members and two friends) I’ve asked that rather than hearing of our situation from me – that they read your blog. I can only imagine what you have been going through. This has also been a difficult time for me and talking about it with anyone other than you and our councelor has (until now) not been something I could do. Your writing is very insightful and has allowed me to access much needed support from a couple close family members and friends – thank you.

    I am thankful for all the happy moments we’ve shared and will think of you often 💖 Wishing you a life full of love and exciting adventures.

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