So I got back into town on Thursday, and my life since then has been unpleasant. I’ve also been asked not to write about it. Needless to say I am conflicted. Imagine you love someone, they are a bright and wonderful person, caring, selfless, adventurous and totally open minded. You spend a year fostering a strong relationship, doing everything you can to prove to this person that you are worthy of their love. Then you reveal your deepest secret, the thing you have been running from since earliest childhood, and suddenly the love of your life doesn’t even recognize you.
Lady is not happy with me, the relationship is officially over. But it’s not because I am transgender (clearly). She will tell you I am a liar, and a cheater. She will tell you I have hurt her, that I am an awful, and frankly evil human being. I can’t help but take these comments to heart. She is a wonderful person, I mean that sincerely, and she has a number of very valid reasons to be upset with me. No I have never cheated (honestly the start of transition is not the time for added drama) and I have admitted to every lie I’ve told (all in some way involving my gender identity, and no that doesn’t make it ok). The fact is I’ve hurt her a lot, the pain she is feeling is a direct result of my decisions and actions.
What do you do when everything is your fault and nothing you can say will make it better? I don’t blame her, her belief is rational and her behaviour is justified in that context. I would be mad at me too if I had done the things I’ve been accused of. I guess what hurts is that she doesn’t see me, I am a monster in her eyes. I dedicated my life to a lie, but it was one lie and in all other ways I have been compensating, striving to be the best possible person I can be so that if and when the truth was discovered I might find some measure of understanding.
The truth is out and all my efforts have been in vain. The good I have done has evaporated, all that remains is the evil, real and imagined. On one hand I can appreciate where she’s coming from, I have openly admitted to being a master manipulator. On the other hand the things I’ve been accused of are pretty amateur hour, if I’d wanted to deceive her these aren’t mistakes I would have made (granted that everyone is capable of oversight). For example rule one when lying is to convince people you’re bad at it. I told her I was a skilled liar specifically to move away from that lifestyle, of course now she doesn’t believe a word I say.
She says I have lied about her in this blog, that I have made her out to be a horrible person. She is not, and if I have led anyone reading to believe so I am deeply sorry. I accept full responsibility for everything that’s happened. She is the best person I have ever known.