First off let me state that my intention here is not to proselytize (preach), but simply ruminate on my personal spirituality. I believe in agency. I believe there is a fundamental agency to reality, which some people refer to as God. The bible states it is inappropriate to presume upon the nature of God or their intentions, that said I believe the world we live in was created in such a way as to encourage the development of agency.
Even in a secular context the prospect of agency holds a great deal of merit. I know that according to some military strategies the most potent resource on the planet is considered to be a capable and motivated agent. This makes sense, as the most efficient means of acquiring literally any other resource is usually a matter of finding the right person or group and providing the appropriate incentive.
More agency means more resources, which in turn help to increase agency. The end result is more tools and comforts. It also means that less resources are wasted on conflict. I recognize that none of these ideas are new, I’m sure there exist many philosophies that touch on this. To be honest I’m just purging the inside of my brain onto the page, and sincerely appreciate your indulgence if you’re with me this far 🙂
My fascination with agency no doubt stems from my personal experience. For most of my life I was determined to be a boy. The problem was that I wasn’t actually exercising my agency so much as trying to anticipate what society would expect of me. I paid close attention to masculine behaviours, then tried to incorporate those aspects into my own personality. Eventually I began adjusting my personality to suit those traits.
There’s a section in the bible that basically states a man should not go around dressing as a woman, and a woman should not dress as a man. I find that passage holds a special relevance for me. I hurt the woman I love, quite a lot actually. It was wrong of me to hide who I am, to present myself as something I am not.
But does this constitute a lack of agency on my part. As stated my decision was to be a boy, yet it was not a decision I was able to make. The reality of agency is that if the optimal path is available a person will always take it. We need challenges to overcome if we are to grow. And the fact is this whole experience has expanded my agency a great deal. I have had several deep and meaningful conversations, connected with people in ways I never have before.
I’ve become aware of the many decisions to be made, and there’s so much of the world that I’m now ready to experience. I’m also becoming aware of just how lucky I am. I miss Lady and regret the pain I’ve caused, but otherwise things are going pretty smoothly. I’ve come out to most of the important people and so far I’ve been given heartfelt support from everyone.
I recognize that a big part of why things have gone so well for me is because of the many people who’ve helped pave the way. I’m not the first openly trans member of the family, and to them I owe a great deal of thanks. Also each of the voices of our community helping to spread knowledge and understanding. Each of these people have increased my own agency, so I am much more inclined and able to contribute myself.