I keep wanting to turn back. Except I don’t want to go back. A life long self imposed prison is hard to walk away from. Especially considering all of the freedoms that this particular prison offered. I’m scared to go out in public without first putting on boy clothes. In fact I don’t really want to go anywhere or have anyone see me.
I don’t want to change either. I don’t want to wash of the makeup and nails, I don’t want to replace the dress with a t shirt and jeans. I like my jewelry, I don’t want to hide it away in some box. I want it where I can feel and see it. I just don’t want to have to deal with anyone else while I’m enjoying these things.
Lady is away visiting her parents. She’s coming back tomorrow morning, I’m looking forward to seeing her, with some trepidation of course. Things have been strained, most of it is my fault. I’ve spent much of my free time pacing the apartment. I’ve gone shopping, done some cooking, lost a few hours lying on the couch.
Tomorrow I tell my father. My thoughts are scattered. I’m forcing myself to write mainly because I haven’t in two days. I don’t actually know where I’m going with this. My life is in a good place to transition, I’m secure and supported, I live in a society where most people don’t care how I dress or act. I am well aware of my privilege. Really I should just quit moping.
I went shopping en femme. I feel pretty much everyone could tell, no one cared at all. It was liberating and terrifying. Afterwards I had a bit of a freak out. Just a small one. Fashion and style are things I’ve consciously avoided until now. It turns out I have some instincts, though they are tragically underdeveloped. I can tell what looks terrible on me, which so far is most things.
Vanity is one of those traits I’ve tried my absolute hardest to suppress but always seems to slip through. Like this very paragraph it seems. I don’t feel that I have any valid reason to be vain, but then that’s not how vanity works. This combined with a perpetual sense of self loathing is proving very difficult to sort out. Why am I dishing my inane ramblings upon an unsuspecting internet?
Oh yeah because I’m forcing myself to write. Hmmm, almost to 500 hundred words. Might as well keep going. After my father knows the dam is more or less burst. I’ll touch base with a few more people, tell my boss, then at last the inevitable Facebook update. I still haven’t even been to a doctor about this, though given my recent experience I don’t need a doctor for affirmation.
What comes next? Will anything really change in my life, or will I go on as before, burning through the days. Right now I don’t want to do anything, just lay down and sleep. Hey look I’m at over 500 words. Alright good night everyone 😀